Erica has posted the poem for discussion next week. Apologies if the linebreaks etc have been mangled. Erica, if you let me know what they should be I'll tidy things up asap...
The Ward
Looking left and right but mostly
right for my father,
I saw a man who looked like Spike
Milligan
sitting sleeping in a chair.He'd
quite long hair.
Coming to the end and not seeing
him I turned
and walked back double checking.
And it wasn't at all obvious to me
that the sitting sleeping man was
him.
Looking nothing like himself I was
confused.
Was I meant to believe
that the man I didn't think I knew
was the man I thought I knew so
well?
When he woke we spoke a little
reminding ourselves
who we were and after we'd sipped
a little wine
he said "you'd better go now."He
was right.
I left and never heard him speak
again.
Erica Leay
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4 comments:
The poet David Crystal emailed with a radically shortened version of this that he thought might be tighter. Not saying he's right, but you might be interested in the kind of things he thinks you could get away without...
The Ward
Looking left and right but mostly
right for my father,
I saw a man who looked like Spike
Milligan sleeping like a actor in a chair.
When he woke we spoke a little
reminding ourselves
who we were and after we'd sipped
a little wine
he said "you'd better go now."
I left and never heard him speak again.
Hello David and thanks.Nope, I don't like your version, especially the "actor" bit.You make it sound much more straight forward than it was..and your way omits the merging of personalities that I wanted to touch: Looking nothing like himself I was confused.There are other meanings which I don't fully understand but I've a hint of and don't want to lose.I'm not saying it couldn't be put better or more concisely but not the way you have it.Thanks though.E.
Question to Martin or anyone else.re 'tightening'.How tight is too tight?When it cuts off the blood supply..?Or how loose is too loose?E.
Think you fought your corner well
No doubt about it
thought your poem won hands down
loves lines
'that the man I didn't think I knew
was the man I thought I knew so
well?'
Ken
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